Happiness

Happiness is a strange thing. In my eyes more stranger than anger or freight-trains. But what I do get from happiness, is that it is not very well persevered. In fact it is the most annoying emotion that you or I can obtain, and yet the most addictive. It is something not to be messed with either. The higher you go, the greater you fall. And yet, we all seem to be happy with happiness. As for me, well apparently I'm a satirical writer, and therefore, I happy to loath happiness. I see happiness as basically a void that lasts until sadness fills it. Oh and now you will all moan at me saying something like “Womble, you are such a dismal bastard.” Well yes I am, but you don't have to fucking say it!

Great one paragraph down and I have already insulted all you readers.

But back to the point, happiness is just something that engulfs you once and then fucks off to see some other bigger guy that just mocks you and.... wait that was my last Frubb I had. Frubbs are just as annoying as happiness. I mean come on, YOGHURT IN A TUBE??? And the only thing that you can do with them is squeeze the tubes to get the yoghurt out. And we all know what happens to things that you squeeze. As I found out the hard way, they go all purple and then bleed everywhere. I suppose one might argue that in order to get the yoghurt out of a Frubb you can also suck? NO! Never suck a Frubb, it is just wrong on so many levels. And if any of you don't know what Frubbs are out there then just Google them. And yes I have managed to put a Google advert in this rant of crap, but will they pay me for it? NO of cause they bloody well wont. I won't have any money to buy any form of yoghurt, let alone Frubbs. And another thing, if they ever find this they they might sue me. Which would be pointless as I have just told all my readers to use Google. The cheeky bastards... I have lost myself again, maybe a new chapter might solve this dilemma.

Nope, it didn't. NEXT!

I suppose being a dismal and grumpy old sod is useful. I am the last in line for volunteering, which is good because that means less work of me, and lot and lots more work for you. I mean when you are asked to do something that you know is going to be just utter shit, most people just get on with it and do it. But I have found that moaning, bitching and crying your eyes out works one hell of a lot better than you expect. Especially, when you are a 7ft hairy biker from Leeds. And I suppose that this is where my desire to gain 47 stone and grow a massive beard comes from, when someone asks you to do something, just kick and scream until they say most feebly, “oh okay, don't hurt me you monster god of all bikers and hairy men!” Unfortunately I am not from Leeds, and so can't have this fantastic effect on people. At least not straight away anyway.

But that isn't the thing I am trying to tell you, I want to tell you about something so revolting it actually cheers people up. And that is happiness. Everyone being all cheery and upbeat... isn't that what we are all avoiding? Think about it! The world is a nasty and horrible place, unless you happen to be Snow White, surrounded by seven dwarves. But then that would be living in Disney World or someplace similar. All day long you could sing wonderful songs with the birds in the trees, and not come to question why that really really old homeless person wants to give you an apple. I mean that is one thing that proves this world isn't true. If a trampish looking woman comes to your house and offers you an apple, would you take it? No you would close the door on her and tell her to shove it where the sun don't shine. Actually you would probably do it in the other way round, as if you shut the door on her first, you would have to tell her that the apple belongs where the sun doesn't shine from behind a door. That is usually not the best way, as the sound would just come out muffled.

My point is, we don't live in a world where we burst into songs every second of every minute of every day. Our world is not full of beautiful colours and silly animals that you could kill and eat without any hesitation. No, our world is too clever for itself, and all I can say is that it doesn't need happiness to function. It only brings about the destruction of our very own minds and mainly the sustenance of gravy. The Beatles said that money can't buy you love, well I think happiness can't buy you love either. I think that all it takes is your own stupidity to be happy and calm with the world. Well I won't take any of it any more. I am banning happiness from now on. No more can anyone ever be happy, or joyful, or sing songs about pie, or fruit, or the birds. Nope. The reason I wont allow it is because happiness is just boring. Why would anyone ever want to stay in the same state forever more? In fact, it is so boring it is vile. If one happy person tries and inflicts happiness on me again, I will just hit them in the face. You have been warned.

Wait, writing this has made me rather happy.