Perculiar Sights

I just god damn missed the bin! What a bitch. I now have to go and pick up my socks and actually put them in the clothes bin myself. You might of been thinking that I was on about my rubbish bin, where by chance I have several used Lucazade bottles scattered around it, from the mischance of missing the real bin. No, I was on about my clothes bin, as you might have guessed from me telling you earlyer. My mission if I chose to except, would be to pick up every sock, jumper and any other type of clothing and actually wash them for once. This seems like a very distant future for me. As I look around my room I notice, other than my washing bin, four very peculiar sights.

The first thing my dull eyes are set upon, is the untidy mess on my floor. (How can you have an untidy mess? Sometimes I do wonder what the fuck I am on about.) So on this pile of mess there sits a straw hat. There are many things i do not know about this hat, but what I do know, is that I look like a farmer when I wear it, which suits me perfectly fine. In fact, before I got this hat, I was at awe how farmers in the UK could get along without them. I think you know what I'm on about. The intoxicating farmers, in Britain, of today just wear stupid John Deer, so called, baseball hats. I don't know why baseball hats are called baseball hats. Maybe it's because baseball players like to put them up their arses. Which makes me think maybe that's where the term, “I pu' a cap in 'ur ass!” comes from. Oh the mindbogglingly annoying slang that chavs use today. It drives me insane. This is one of the reasons I have this hat, to say “try putting this, large rimmed, hat up YOUR arse and see how YOU feel.” Normally this gets me into a lot of trouble. The second reason I have this hat lying on the floor, is that it has just been shoved up my ass by an angry chav, who happened to be passing by to find me muttering "I'll bloody put a cap inside your ass if you are not careful." I can tell you one thing, it doesn't half hurt.

The second thing I find in my room, is a broken guitar string. But this isn't a normal guitar string, it is the G-string. Now the fact that I still have my broken guitar sting on the floor is because it's there as a reminder of what I have to do in Nottingham the next time I am there. However, I believe that this string will be on the floor for a rather long time. I do not think you know how hard it is for me to go into a music shop and ask for a classical G-string, only to realise I went to the wrong shop and realise that i am now standing in Ann-Summers. I swore the last time I made this futile mistake, I would never do it again. If you don't play guitar then you may or may not know, that using a thong, instead of the standard nylon strings that should be used, is not healthy for the poor thing at all. And the most annoying thing about my classic guitar is that the only string that EVER seems to break, is the G-string.

The next object i find in my bedroom, observed by myself, is a folded away pool table. You may be thinking how can I fit a pool table in my bedroom, well I cant, that's why it is folded up. Okay now you are saying, “Shut up Womble, you can't fold a pool table away.” So yes, you are right about that. It's not really a pool table at all, it looks more like a snooker table. The day it becomes a snooker table, on the other hand, is when a big massive yellow constructor fleet comes to demolish the Earth to make way for a Hyper-space bypass, only to find that the bypass didn't need to be built at all. It is not a snooker table for two reason. Firstly, it is smaller than a pool table, and then smaller than a small pool table. And secondly, and most importantly, because the pockets have to be selo-taped together so the minuscule balls don't fall through and follow through, on their trajectory, towards the nearest window. The selo-tape failed to co-operate with my plans of playing pool in the conservatory, and that is why the table is in my bedroom, folded away and of no use what so ever.

The final obscurity is a fake rose in a used Guinness bottle, with a tin foil duck inside one of the petals. Some people have speculated that if I discover why I have done this, then the Earth would become a lot simpler.